Cutting Ties

Today I stumbled upon this image on my twitter newsfeed. It is meant to be a representation of cutting ties between two people.

Part of the reason this image struck such a chord with me was because it shows how one person always has a stronger connection than the other. Whenever a person leaves, be it a boyfriend or girlfriend, a friend, or a family member, one person always has a harder time accepting this loss than the other.

In my case, the person with more attachments was me. I had a large friend group when I was young, and easily shared my feelings, secrets, and desires with my friends and family. I was social, spending most weekends at one of my friend’s houses. Elementary, middle, and part of high school passed this way for me. Though my friend groups changed as I got involved in different extracurriculars and my interests changed, I never had a very difficult time opening up to new friends. I made connections, lots of them, with all the people in my life.

I suppose I am fortunate that I did not feel this strong tear until later in life, but when it happened, I was completely unprepared for the way it would make me feel. In the past, the people who left my life, either did so slowly and passively, as we just drifted apart, or not by choice, through old age or illness. Never before had I been so strikingly and suddenly cut out of someone’s life.

The details don’t need to be shared. Those closest to me know what happened and I prefer to keep it that way. All that I wish to share is that this was the day I found out that I was the person who was more attached. I struggled to understand why I was no longer needed in the life of someone I had once considered extremely important to me. I was hurt, upset, and confused, while it seemed as though the other was perfectly fine, in fact, happier.

From this moment on, something inside me changed. I could almost physically feel myself shrink inside. So many personal pieces of information and countless memories had been shared with this person, and they were gone in a snap. No longer was I so eager to open up to others, to share my feelings, my thoughts, my opinions. I was terrified that someone would do this to me again. Someone I considered important, who knew parts of me that weren’t as pretty and shiny as what I showed on the outside, could just disappear from my life again. Walking around, out in the world somewhere, would be a person who learned all my secrets, and then cut me out.

I didn’t want to be the person with the stronger connection anymore. I didn’t want to count on someone to listen to me and help me through my feelings knowing that they could, at any point, just disappear. So instead of sharing, I closed down. I worked through my emotions myself.

To this day I have a hard time opening up to people. I no longer have a large group of friends. I have a small number of close friends who I trust, and I couldn’t be more thankful for them. They are teaching me, slowly, that it is okay to open up again. That some people leave, but that teaches a lesson. I’m learning that the people who matter the most won’t leave, no matter how dark or sad some of my deepest feelings may be.

I may now have fewer close connections than I did before, but I know it is for the best. I learned a great deal about myself through having someone cut me out of their life. It forced me to reflect inwardly, and to choose the people in my life more carefully.

To everyone who has stuck by me, thank you so much. You know who you are and I don’t thank you enough for being in my life, listening to my ramblings, and helping me understand myself. I’m sorry I still struggle to open up, I’m working on it, I’m growing, and I’m so glad you are here to support me.